Repeating Mistakes

I’m in L.A. right now – for work.  I’ll be here all week.  I’m probably going to be bored out of my mind most of the time because my days will be spent in the office, and there’s really nothing in the nightlife that appeals to me here (i.e. the club and bar scene).  I’ve been here a total of about 40-45 days in the past year, and I really don’t think I could ever feel at home here – even though I was born and lived here till I was 14.  There’s something very plastic about this place.  There’s an overwhelming sense of a ‘consumer’ mentality here.  If there’s a tree here, it’s most likely because someone planted it there.  It feels like one big shopping mall.

Here’s something… quite often I find myself making the same mistakes over and over again.  Even though the last time I swore to myself never to make those mistakes again.  Why is that?  Is it because I’m stupid?  Maybe…  but this last time, I decided to actually take note of the whole process of where things go wrong and I make unwise decisions that eventually lead to those same old mistakes.  I discovered that it’s not one big decision that leads to it.  It’s a whole lot of little decisions that at the time seem harmless enough but in the end lead down the same roads.  And the reasons I choose one way or the other on the little decisions is not because of any conscious effort, but just the norm based on my personality.  These are set decisions innocuous enough in and of themselves, but together map out to these wrong roads.  And because of this, the only real way to change the course is to actually change one’s personality.  If the result from these mistakes is traumatic enough, the personality is changed and thus the same path is not taken to the same old mistakes.

Here’s a simplistic example…

Bob always winds up cramming for his exams.  He’d like to study way ahead of time but can’t seem to.  So now it’s Monday, and there’s this test coming up on Friday.  Tonight it’s bowling night and all of his friends are there, so he thinks… “I don’t get to see my friends that often all together, so I could study tommorrow.  Besides, spending quality time with your friends is important…”.  Now it’s Tuesday night.  The local chicken wing restaurant is having all-you-can-eat wings for $3.50.  Bob thinks, “Dude, I can eat enough for three days in one sitting.  This a good way to save some much needed cash…” so he stays there for three hours gorging himself.  Now it’s Wednesday night.  There’s a prayer meeting at church.  Bob thinks, “It would really help if I prayed for my test that’s coming up.  And besides… prayer is a good thing.”  Now it’s Thursday night…  why did he procrastinate again?  Well, it wasn’t a conscious effort.  There were just several seemingly inconsequential decisions that he made that led up to it.  So Friday he fails his exam.  He gets an F in the class.  He’s on academic probation.  All of a sudden he puts less value on spending time with friends, saving money, and meeting with people for prayer.  So now when those little decisions come… he chooses the other way and maybe stops procrastinating.

Again, this is a really simple example, but the gist of it applies.  And this is what I’m learning about myself. And for me to truly change the outcome, my personality has to change.  But here’s something else… I think that if we’re molded into the image of Christ… meaning all of our motives and desires conform to Him… not only will these little decisions become easier and more beneficial…  I think regardless of the outcome, we will have the strength to endure and people will be blessed.  The world may perceive us as fools for not looking out for our own interests, but there is a greater cause.  There is a higher purpose.  If that’s the case, call me a fool and I’ll reply, “yeah, someday I hope to be.”