My Second Job – Security Guard

I’m home.  I came back to my house last night around 10PM and there were about 25 people sitting in my living room and kitchen – mostly college students and post-college people.  They were just there hanging out.  It was neat.  I know they weren’t there to simply welcome me home, but it felt nice coming home to a full house.  Just to joke around, when I opened the door I yelled, “What the heck are all these people doing in MY house!”  then they all yelled, “Nathan!  Welcome home!”  It was awesome.  It would have been more awesome if they all lined up and sang me the “Welcome Home Song” like the family Von Trapp, but I’ll take what I can get.  The place was a mess (and still is) but that’s the price, I suppose.

Story time

Okay, so here’s the drama, mama.  This morning I get woken (is that a word?) up by my phone ringing at 5:30 AM.  Now, everyone knows that you don’t get good news if someone is calling at 5:30 AM, so I should have just let it ring.  But like an idiot, I picked it up…  “Hello?”

The voice on the other end said, “Hello, this is so-and-so from ADT security, sorry to call you so early, but we have received an alarm from your office stating that there is a communications failure.  You were on the list of people to contact.  Is this Mr. Nathan Kim?”

Me: (in a complete daze) Yes, it is.

Security: May I have your security passcode to verify your identity?”

Me: <Censored for obvious reasons>

Security: Well we have dispatched police to the office and they will meet you there.  How soon can you be at the location?

Me: Is calling the police really necessary?  It’s probably a false reading (this has happened before)

Security: That may be, but we are required to follow this procedure for this location unless your office decides to change the policy in writing with us.  So when can you get there and describe the vehicle you will be driving and what you will be wearing.

(This is so that the police don’t shoot me accidentally, I suppose).

Me: Ummm… I guess I can be there in about 30 mintues…  I’ll be driving a red BMW and wearing… (I take a moment to see what I wore to bed and decide I’d better put on some real clothes) blue jeans and a grey t-shirt.

Security:  Thank you, the police will meet you outside your building in 30 mintues.

Now, I’m royally peeved because I KNOW that nothing’s really happened, but I HAVE to go just in case.  So I put on some clothes, throw on some sandals and get in my car.  On the way there I decide that I don’t get this kind of opportunity very often so I decide to have a little fun and drive 100-something miles an hour down US-29.  I figured if a cop stopped me, I could say that I was rushing to the scene of a possible break in and could he give me an escort?  And if he didn’t believe me, he could call dispatch and they would confirm it.  But no one stopped me.

So I get to my office and drive around the building to look for an obvious sign of a break in anywhere – and find none.  So then I just sat in my car for about 30 minutes waiting for the police to come.  They never did.  So eventually, for my own peace of mind and so that I can go back to bed, I decide to investigate myself.  So I take a microphone stand from my trunk and proceed into the building.  Now picture this… a half-asleep guy who looks like he just rolled out of bed wearing sandals and toting a microphone stand like a weapon creeping into an empty building in the half-light of dawn.  I kinda had to laugh a little bit.  But then I thought… what if the police come as I’m walking around this building all alone carrying a microphone stand…  Well long story short, as I suspected, there was no one there.  There were no alarms going off… it was simply a communications failure (maybe due to a power outage).  So I head back out, get in my car, and head back home to get some sleep.  My alarm clock goes off after a couple of hours and I throw it to the ground.  The end.