Big Mac Attack

Gather ’round ladies and gents because I’m about to tell it like it is.  Get offended if you need to because I’mma gonna preach it, teach it and, if it’s dirty, bleach it.  Okay, maybe not that last one…

There is a small subset of the singles church population that’s really getting on my nerves.  I think every church with post-college single people have them – some more than others.  I think that we all know who we’re talking about… the French have a term for them… Les Maquers.  And they come in more than one variety.  I’ll explain later.  I think there are really just a few of them who give the rest of the group a bad reputation.  When people perceive a ‘meat market’ mentality within a group, it’s really just a few people who are actually doing it.  The problem is that the rest of the group somewhat tolerates it – maybe even some subconsciously encourage it.  This is especially bad when it’s unwelcome by the other party.

Here’s your garden variety maquer.  He’s the guy who comes to church and is not interested at all in getting involved in a bible study, or if they are, only the ones that have the pretty ladies in them.  They either hang out in the fellowship hall talking to any attractive woman who will face in their general direction, or they come to a bible study completely unprepared and don’t talk at all during the discussion group unless it’s to say something to puff themselves up or they only talk (to women) after the bible study is over.  The only reason they even interact with men is to improve their chances with one or more of the women.  Whenever there is a get-together outside of bible study, whenever you invite them, the first question out of their mouths is “who else is going to be there?” and they decide from there (this is why I never answer that question).  They are masters of the “hover,” which is when a guy just always seems to be within arms’ reach of the object of their affections of the moment.  If they’ve been around for a while, they notice every new female coming to the church and are usually the first ones to introduce themselves to her.

The women aren’t immune either – it’s just a lot more subtle because they’re not perceived as the aggressors.  They’re the ones who look at a man’s shoes first or look to see if he’s wearing a Tag Heuer watch.  They usually don’t get involved in anything either unless there’s potential to meet someone.  They are not as wide-ranging in their pursuit as the man described above.  Generally they limit their searches to doctors, lawyers, or ambitious investment bankers.  A lot of times you see them several weeks in a row and then they disappear – perhaps moving on to greener pastures.  They are generally loners without too close of a friendship with anyone in the group.  They’re usually very put together and do not want to be perceived as anything but flawless.

Then there’s your second tier… the maquer with a purpose.  It’s more similar between men and women in this group of people.  They’ll be involved, actually rather quickly, in a variety of things ranging from bible study to group outings even to prayer groups and small groups.  On the surface everything looks legit… until they actually find someone.  Then it’s like a black hole sucked them up.  They’re gone – both of them.  And whenever you do see them together, the looks on their faces is similar to a kid who just broke a vase in the other room which hasn’t been discovered yet.  Oh sure, they’ll make cursory attempts to feign that they still care about the rest of the group, but really, they’re just going through the motions so that they don’t appear to have done what, in reality, is what they did, which is use the group to hook up with someone.  And if the relationship goes south, one or the other almost always leaves the group entirely because his/her use for the group is done.  Besides, by then usually one or the other’s reputation is so damaged, his/her future attempts will be forever under scrutiny.

“So what?” some of you may be saying, “Isn’t it good that people come to church to find their future mate?”

Don’t get me wrong.  I think church is the best place to meet someone who has a heart for the Lord.  But those whose hearts are truly on the Lord think of Him first, all else a distant fourteenth.  What is that person’s true motivation for joining a fellowship.  I think actions speak volumes more than words or even intentions.

There was this one time when this guy started coming to my church.  He said all the right things and seemed like he had good intentions.  Then one day in the fellowship hall he turned to me and said, “Man, that girl over there is HOT!  Can you introduce me?”

I pretended to play along to get to the heart of what he was getting at.  I found out that he had this “thing” for Asian women (he was not Asian) and knew that church was a great place to meet really submissive ones because they don’t generally tend to go to bars.

I felt like punching his lights out.  I literally saw red.  I had to walk away to cool off or I think I would have done something I would regret.  Later, I voiced my disapproval, but it didn’t seem to phase him at all.  After that I always kept a very close eye on him and scrutinized his every move.  Fortunately, he left soon after that.  But this is definitely an extreme case.

So what’s my beef?  I think these people really hurt the fellowship…  sometimes irreparably.  They make the women suspicious of every brother and they make the men really dissatisfied with their status in life.  I think each give their respective genders a bad rap because they’re so active that it’s just assumed that all men or all women in the group are like that.  I want to protect this body of believers jealously.  It is the bride of Christ, not some dating reality show.  Again, I’m not saying that we should be like the Muslims or really conservative para-church groups that segregate the women and men for fear of any impropriety.  I think that is actually just as harmful of a situation because it limits the fellowship.  But I just wish they could see how their actions are not kosher in the context they are in.  I want them to seek the Kingdom of God first.  I want them to quit using the church for their own selfish purposes.  In a way they are not too unlike the guy in the story above.  He was just more upfront about his intentions, at least.

Now, before you assume I’m talking about you.  Rest assured.  Of the people I know, I’m pretty sure I know who reads my site, and I did not have any of you in mind when I wrote this.  But if any of this made you feel defensive, maybe you should examine your heart more closely.  You are both your own best and worst judge.

Post Script:  This entry above all my previous ones seems to have generated the most controversy and discussion.  From some of the guys, I got a general, “Yeah I agree, but what do we do about it?”  From a few of the women, I got a “Yeah, you have some valid points… but I don’t know if posting it to the whole world was necessarily the best thing to do.”  I’ve even received a considerable amount of criticism about it as well.  But that’s okay.  I take full responsibility for my words and my lack of tact with them.  This is not something that I wrote on a flight of fancy just to vent.  It’s been on my mind for a very long time.  And though I know I’m opening myself up for criticism for being the imperfect sinner and hypocrite that I am, I want to encourage the sisters, but I feel that the mistrust built because of this is a major road block.  And I know that I’ve not done much at all to allay this mistrust, but I don’t want to pretend like nothing is wrong.  Even if all this did was inflame a few people, I don’t think it was a waste.  Apathy is the true enemy.  So fling your arrows at me if you will.  I can take it.  I really am sorry if you thought that I was targetting you.  I really wasn’t.  Besides, who am I to judge?