Don’t Get Played

The inspiration for this entry is one of my students who was taken for a ride by an emo ho… I mean… a very insecure little girl. Apparently she bragged to her friends that she had this “older” guy wrapped around her pinky when she’s not even interested in him.  Granted, no one forced him to let this girl use him like a Kleenex^® in allergy season, but he’s a really kind-hearted guy and didn’t deserve that kind of treatment.    So to give fair warning to all the “nice guys” out there, I’m going to give you some advice about women girls who use guys.  (Do they have a name?  What is the female version of a “player”?)

How to Identify Her:

1. Are a lot of other guys interested in her?
   This in itself doesn’t say much.  There are a lot of very nice girls who have a lot of male admirers.  But, honestly, if she’s not that attractive chances are she doesn’t have the ammunition to be a true guy user. 
   Try this experiment:  Next time you’re talking to her, see how many other guys come by to interrupt.  If it feels like you’re at a squirrel convention and she’s covered with acorns, there’s your answer. 
   Bonus experiment:  If when these other guys interrupt, she drops her conversation with you like it’s infected with the SARS, that’s a strong indicator that she’s a user too.
2. Does she have a lot more guy friends than girl friends?
   This, again, is not the tell-tale sign, because a lot of women simply just get along with guys better because they don’t like the “catty” nature of a lot of female relationships.  However, combine #1 above with this and it will increase the chances that she’s could be a user.
3. Is she really insecure?
   This is invariably the biggest indicator because it is the source of the motivation for her to be the way she is.  And if has the tri-fecta of all the above, run like the devil is after your lucky charms cereal.
4. Is she really flirty?
   Every girl is entitled to flirt a little bit, but if you find that she flirts excessively with an indiscriminate number of guys, it’s because she needs their (positive) response to validate herself.  (No, it’s not normal for her to be flirting with the guy who is holding the “will work for food” sign when you’re at a stop light).  In fact, if she gets a negative or no response to her flirting, she might even get upset and start bad-mouthing the guy.
5. More minor tendencies:

• She shows just enough interest in you to keep you around, but if you start to reciprocate, she backs off like you forgot brush your teeth for a month.
• She talks almost exclusively about herself and what you think of her.  When you start talking about yourself, she seems bored or impatient.
  • Sample conversation:
    Her:  So, like, I got, like, this zit and, like, I was all… “hey, zit!  like, get off my pretty face!”  but it, like, totally didn’t
    You:  Well, if I was a zit on your face, I wouldn’t want to leave either…
    Her:  Awww, you’re sweet…. get me a soda.
    You:  I can’t, my dad cut off my allowance last week because I…
    Her:  (eyes glazing over)  yeah, well, anyways… where’s my soda?
    You: (as you start scanning the floor for dropped loose change)  uh… working on it… tell me more about your complexion issues…
• She takes a lot of pictures of herself and posts them where guys can comment on how pretty she is.  These pictures tend to be somewhat better looking than she does on any given day.
• She’s moody.  Since her self-image is based on what other people think of her, which changes daily, you’ll never know how she’ll be at any given moment.
• She expects you to follow her mood swings like you’re on a leash… and not one of those nice leashes that give and retract, one of those training leashes with barbs on the inside of the collar.  I hate those… I mean… I think dogs would hate those…
• She fishes for compiments.  Her:  I’m so ugly!  You:  Uh… isn’t that you on that magazine cover over there?

Why she’s like that:

It’s not that she’s an evil person.  I believe that everyone has certain traits that are better than others’.  Unfortunately for her, it was looks.  I say “unfortunately” because much of the time, it’s all they have or all that anyone cares about.  So the other, more substantive, traits don’t get developed.  For an intelligent person, the positive feedback are grades or success.  For a humorous person, it’s laughs.  But for someone who is good-looking, it’s attraction, and unfortunately much of the time strong emotions are attached to that.  A wiser person, though, would understand that beauty is fleeting and will not base their entire self-worth on it.

How do you know you’re being played?

• She gets hot/cold about you based on how available you make yourself to her.  If you show interest, she backs off.  If you brush her off, she can’t get enough of you.
• She often tells you that she’s confused or conflicted about her feelings for you.  (By the way, she’s saying this exact same thing to the other 15 guys in her life too)
• She talks to you about other guys.  If she were truly interested in you, you’d be the only guy she’d want to talk about.
• She talks about her ex-boyfriend often.  She sometimes even compares you to him.  Guys:  this doesn’t mean “I like you because this is what I liked about my ex.”  It means, “I like getting these things from you without being your girlfriend.”
• She gets upset if you assert yourself in anyway.  This is a form of negative reinforcement designed to keep you tame.

What’s a “nice guy” to do?

Stop it.  Grow a spine.  You’re really not doing her any real favors by being such a lap dog.  Don’t stand for her moodiness.  Don’t give her special attention unless she’s willing to give you the same.  Don’t settle for being one in a long list of guys she uses for attention.  Don’t let her get away with stuff just because she’s pretty.  Just walk away.  One of two things will happen.  Either she’ll find another lap dog to take your place or she’ll come a-runnin’.   And if she does come to you, you have to do one of two things.  Either walk away like Rhett Butler at the end of “Gone with the Wind” saying, “Frankly, I don’t give a damn,” or if you’re strong enough (which is unlikely) see what develops but with you calling the shots this time.  I suggest walking away, because some other, better, girl will see this and think you’re hotter than Brad Pitt on fire on the surface of Mercury during the summer.