Being supremely secure in my masculinity, I would like share my thoughts on the subtleties of the man-to-man hug. I think it’s fascinating how there seems to be a very strict unspoken protocol when it comes to this. I don’t think I’m an authority on this, but I’ve hugged my fair share of guys… ehem… I mean… uh… where did I put that power drill?… Anyway, most guys know there is a line that is just not crossed when it comes to showing affection toward one another, but I think to explain it as being motivated by homophobia is too simplistic. I think it’s as natural for a guy to want to retain his sense of masculinity by acting a certain way as it is for a woman to want to appear more feminine by acting in certain other ways. I don’t think that most women by wanting to seem more feminine by doing something (like not belching in public) would be labeled as not wanting to look like a lesbian.
Of course my observations are only limited to the culture in most parts of the U.S. Though, I found that living in the South, it was more acceptable to hug people in general than here in the Mid-Atlantic States. The two most important things to remember is who you can hug and how to actually do it.
Who to hug:
This list can not be too long lest it looks like you’re just giving it away.
- Immediate family members: father, brothers, non-creepy uncles, and most cousins… in-laws on a case by case basis.
- Childhood friends: Hey if they’ve seen you cry because you dropped your sno-cone at 7, there’s really not that much else you need to hide from them.
- Other good friends you haven’t seen in at least six months: Six months is long enough to actually be glad to see someone again. The six month rule can be waived for any of the reasons below.
- Someone you just won a major sporting event with: The window of opportunity for this closes within one hour of the end of the event… meaning you can’t say a week later, “Hey, remember us winning that horseshoes tournament last week? That was great… let’s hug.” – Uh, no.
- Someone who just saved your life or at least from major bodily injury: If they put their neck on the line for you, the least you can do is hug it.
- Someone you won’t see for at least the next six months: Because you don’t have to look them in the eye for a half-year, then they can “look forward” to hugging you again when they get back.
How to hug:
This is crucial. In my observation there are two, maybe three, formats that are generally accepted.
- The “Basic Two-Armed” Hug:
This is more than just wrapping your arms around the other. Your arm position is key. Both of your arms can not be above or below both of the other’s arms – even if one of you is considerably shorter than the other. One arm must be over the other’s shoulder and the other be under. The time spent in the hug is critical… too short and you may seem insincere, too long and… well, you know… Then give each other two to three manly slaps on the back and release. This is also a good way to pace your hug. So it would go like this… hug, 1-2-3 slaps, release. No muss, no fuss. Also, never, I repeat never, rub. That’s just creepy and will make you seem like you were just released from a 5-year stint in prison or something. - The “Handshake Pull-In” Hug:
This is the hug where it starts out as a very manly handshake, but then one or both pulls on the shaking hand and draws the other into a half-hug. The most important part of this is that each guy’s handshaking hand must remain clasped and about mid-torso high throughout the hug while the free hand (usually left) wraps around the other’s back. During this time it is imperative that you stop shaking hands or it may accidentally feel like you’re rubbing your hand against the other’s chest, which is a no-no. The stationary clasped hands in front also serve as a barrier so that your bodies aren’t touching as much, which is always a plus. As with the basic hug, the amount of time spent in the hug is critical. It should be, at most, the same amount of time spent shaking hands, not a millisecond more. Within the last 5-10 years this has become the man-hug of choice. - The “Handshake Shoulder Bump” Hug:
This is a variation on the “Handshake Pull-In” Hug and seems to be favored by African-american males. The beginning is identical to HPI hug, but instead of pulling in for an actual arm hug, you simply bump your right shoulders. This alleviates the problem of timing the length of the hug and what to do with the other arm. Careful not to bump too hard as a shoulder injury is the last thing you want as a result of a greeting. This pseudo-hug, because of its casualness, can actually be used as a regular greeting, and the guidelines of “who” to hug, above, can be relaxed.
Granted, these are just basic guidelines (and if you haven’t figured out by now, very tongue-in-cheek), so feel free to modify to suit your hugging needs.
If you’re straight, it has to be 3 quick slaps on the back. The straight guys I know have told me this “three slap” thing is their way of saying “I’m-not-gay” with the slaps.
Mikey and NR – it’s affectionate, not effectionate.
Hahaha this is hillariously true~
Haha this is hillariously true
Great post! LOL!
Great post! LOL!
Ok, gotta comment. As a gay man who loves hugs, I have noticed that straight men pslap the back three times and gay men squeeze. At least I do. But I also have a few close staight man friends who do not pat but squeeze back. I think they are in the closet. LOL, actually they are very secure too. There’s no better pal to a gay man than a secure straight man. I salute all you secure straight men. Now gimme a hug.I do have a good straight friend hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek, but he and his wife and son are moving to New Zealand for 9 months then moving to Portland, so I won’t see him for a long long time. Does the kiss pass with your approval?
Great stuff that could be used to amend Dave Barry’s “Guide to Guys” book. Actually this was more humorous than the urinal rules in that book, which is pretty dog-gone funny!
This is the most amusing post I’ve read in awhile. =) You’ve definitely hit just about every aspect of it and I’ve seen all the different kind of hugs guys give one another in this post.
Funny stuff. Made me think of seeing the guys at church hug. There’s a lot of hugging at church, but it’s fun to watch the awkwardness between guys as they hug hello. It’s usually the ‘Handshake Pull in hug’…fyi 🙂
Classic!
Just FYI, for those that are curious, the reason most people shake with their right hand can probably be traced to a couple of different things: 1) historically, the left hand used to be associated with the devil (thus people who were left-handed were generally ostracized) and 2) back when people used to carry weaponry around, it was assumed that if you shook hands with your left hand it was because you were concealing a weapon in your right hand.
A most entertaining post, btw.
That is soooo funny! I am in “the south” (Texas) and hang with a lot of bikers….the rules are all the same!!
This lesson rocks. While I’ve often performed these hugs automatically, I’ve never had it laid out for me like this. Sheer genius!
By the way, you made me spit water on my keyboard with the sporting event example. That was laugh-out-loud good.
My favorite is the “I’m not gay” hug:Quickly and strongly hug each other with three swift pats. Pat #1= I’m Pat #2=not Pat #3= gay.Then swiftly move apart and talk about football or beer.
I never realized what tremendous pressure that U.S. males had upon greeting other males. I used to live in Spain and it was common for men to walk down the street with their arms casually tossed over the other man’s shoulders– all in friendliness. Each culture is different. And did you ever think about what people do at wedding receptions? Nobody gives a second thought to two women getting up and dancing together because the men won’t dance with them. But do men do it? noooooo.
ilena holder…..Rose Garden by Awe-struck ebooks 10.17.07
How about the topic of ass smacking? The only time it is acceptable is if your a 350 lbs. pro football player.
Honestly, my greeting of choice for guys who I consider to be friends is almost always the Handshake Pull-in Hug. It doesn’t have to be a relative or a friend I’ve been away from for 6 months. Being in the military (hell, we all saw each other naked at boot camp anyway), my friends and I are very close and might as well be family anyway. Also, maybe this is a European thing, but as a soccer player as well, it’s something I think is accepted in that community. We won a really difficult game last night and one of the midfielders scored 2 goals. While cheering at the end of the game, I rubbed his bald head and kissed it while tellin him I’d get him drunk for playin such a damn good game. Anyway, just my take, but I’m not at all insecure with mine or my friends’ masculinity… we carry assault rifles for a living.
Interesting post. But I don’t think its applicable in to me. I live in Malaysia where people are really conservative. People get arrested for hugging or kissing in public! Its under the “public show of affection” rule. I don’t mind hugging a friend but this only happen if something had happened and he/her needs emotional support. Perhaps you should maybe also talk about friendly kisses. Few years back, my dad brought the whole family to meet his good friend from england for dinner. When his wife greeted me, she gave each of us a peck on a cheek. I being REALLY unaccustomed to it……started to blush like a tomato. It was really embarrassing.
crack me up 🙂
funnie, i enjoyed, i do the HPI with guys as well.
Hahaa.. This guy seems to have it all figured out, and he’s breaking all those rules!Free Hug Guy
I give free hugs to anybody!! Usually, they are tight, sincere hugs, with no rules. If they don’t like it, it’s their loss. They are not sexual to me. If it is sexual, it will be accompanied by a kiss on the cheek, or neck, or….
I have had people (mother-in-law, guy at church) stiffen up on me like a stone pillar. Again, their loss. One must be comfortable with oneself. The guy at church was funny. I told him it was coming, and he just kept saying “That didn’t do a thing for me!” over and over. He needs help.
Ayway, another great post! Keep it up!
Great post! A great read.
Guess the ass grab is out, huh???
Informative. Thanks. Us girls, (I live in the South also) enjoy trying to understand manly men also. Sound advice for the information super-highway!
bahahahha
Completely dead-on. The handshake-pull-in hug is hilarious to me as a female. I’d like to see you write rules for cross-gender hugging, because there seem to be fewer taboos for men when they’re hugging females.
LOL you gave directions on hugs, that’s hilarious. good post
haha i found this post quite enjoyable. good job :]
Funny post
My favorite place to hug people is in Church… no self-respecting church going man can deny a hug. That being said, I like to make the hug awkward by doing the mandatory three pats on the back and release, but, then as they are releasing pull them back in for a second longer just to make them uncomfortable. If not that one, I like to step into the hugs for the full body affect which causes any normal man to withdraw his member in an arching motion. I only do the awkward ones if I am visiting a new Church and everyone acts like the want to hug me… you wanna hug, I will make it weird.
There is a variation of the hankshake hug that I have perfected where you pull them in close and then release your grip on their hand leaving it trapped in between your two bodies and proceeding to a full on hug with their arm awkwardly caught between the two of you. It is extremely important to act nonchalant with any of the joke hugs otherwise they will lose there funny factor. Oh! another really great one is the cheek to cheek… that one creeps me out just doing it, but you can’t beat the affect. A pastor will feel strange that he has his cheek pressed against your own, but he will not say anything. Remember these hugs are best for highschool reunions or church…. there may be other places where they are fitting, but make sure you have someone with you who knows what you are doing and why…. secret laughter is great, but you will look like a freak.
wow you really thought this out. I have to say that I am impressed.
Good thing I am a girl…sadly though some of those rules still apply
Nice.
I agree with those guidelines.
Haha! I didn’t know there were rules to hugging.
haha you just made my day ^_^ this is so true!
and its funny how analytical you sound about this =P
this was from a magazine…
ROTF! This is hillarious. And when I read it I thought about how my guy friends hug eachother as opposed to how they hug me. It’s really very true. LOL! Hillarious. Simply hillarious. *hehe*
The only time I have seen the “Handshake Shoulder Bump” has been a prelude to someone having the snot beaten out of them. Is it possible that we Aussies have taken it just one step too far?Cheers,Kevin
lmfao.
So true. But…. I’m a girl. and…hey…. I should make one for girls. “how to hug your NON ROMANTIC GUY FRIENDS!!!” Oh yeah.
You put into words what I do without thinking. I sometimes pull a variation on the handshake shoulder bump as a “drive-by hug”, which is basically used to greet a good friend silently, who is in conversation with another person.With women friends (who I have no interest in), I find that I have a one-arm rule. I will give her a proper affectionate hug in the manner which she gives me, but I only use my right arm. Not sure why.
I agree with everything contained in this entry. Man-to-man hugs don’t have to be too weird. It depends on the relationship. An old friend and I could hug without it being very uncomfortable, however, I wouldn’t hug my coworker, though I consider him a friend. Male hugging is situationally dependent.
Haha. As a girl in the middle of the U.S. I can pretty much get away with giving a bear hug to anyone who wants one.. Although I wouldn’t exactly be comfortable if one of my friends was Les..
hahaha — this is good stuff.
First of all, I’d like to apologize to Nathon for having to do this on his site…Nathon, sorry dude….It’s unfortunate when sad ppl (ie Mikey) have to post comments on top of other ppl’s comments, totally disregarding the Author of the blog…..I think it’s disrespectful and highly immature.Yo Mikey, sent you message on your site with a more detailed version of what I think of your comment….coz I’ve just got more class and social etiquette than perhaps…I dunno….YOU? Don’t want to embarrass you in front of others who read this blog. I was directing my comment to Nathon, based on his very enjoyable post. It’s got nothing to do with you…I mean dude, if you’re gay and happy (no pun intended) it’s your life, your ass….doesn’t bother me…..respect your choices man…..So pls respect my comment to NATHON, and just shut your trunk about it….If you find the need to defend your gay rights belief, then “Me thinks” you’re just uncomfortable and unconfident with what you are….this whole comment from me would’ve been unnecessary if you just had the decency to respect other ppls thoughts and blog…now look what you’ve made me do….and your message, REEKS of lousy English….in general. Oh you poor sad man…..o and no need to thank me for giving you a lesson on manners…it was my pleasure….. – NR PS: to Nathon and others who read this comment, I apologize again…Mikey was jsut trippin and I had to straighten him out….I meant no harm in my message…was just happy to compliment Nathon on his good writing…..cheers all!!
I follow most of these rules and I’m gay. I’m not real big on hugging people unless I’m at a comfort level with them. No matter who it is.
Nathon, I do need to apologize to you for my comment directed to “NR” on your site. I have messaged her privately and I think things are cool now.
I will say again that I thought your post on hugs was wonderful!
Mikey
haha. You are a funny fellow Asian. And I must agree with you on your position with the hugs. However, the arm positioning is not the only factor that affects the hug. It’s also the way you execute the gesture before you embrace your bud. Facial expressions, and body movement/language must be performed in a certain way. And the homosexual thoughts that some people may have about you would all depend on whether or not they know you. your three methods are the fundamentals, but you may do a few awkward things from time to time.
This is great. Pure genius. Never before have I read the unwritten rules of something. Once I had to explain the unspoken rules of something and it sort of killed the whole thing. You managed to keep this alive throughout. Good job!
Im just very thankful that I dont have to think this much when I hug somene. Maybe because my sexuality is never in question when I hug someone. Its too bad that dudes get this sort of weird taboo pressure when it comes to hugs. I currently reside in Hawaii and its common practice to kiss people on the cheek. Now, I dont see the men kiss each other so much on the cheek but it does happen… and they give each other real hugs…and I think its about context and what is taboo where you are at.