Hug Like a Man

Being supremely secure in my masculinity, I would like share my thoughts on the subtleties of the man-to-man hug.  I think it’s fascinating how there seems to be a very strict unspoken protocol when it comes to this.  I don’t think I’m an authority on this, but I’ve hugged my fair share of guys… ehem… I mean… uh… where did I put that power drill?…  Anyway, most guys know there is a line that is just not crossed when it comes to showing affection toward one another, but I think to explain it as being motivated by homophobia is too simplistic.  I think it’s as natural for a guy to want to retain his sense of masculinity by acting a certain way as it is for a woman to want to appear more feminine by acting in certain other ways.  I don’t think that most women by wanting to seem more feminine by doing something (like not belching in public) would be labeled as not wanting to look like a lesbian.

Of course my observations are only limited to the culture in most parts of the U.S.  Though, I found that living in the South, it was more acceptable to hug people in general than here in the Mid-Atlantic States.  The two most important things to remember is who you can hug and how to actually do it.

Who to hug:

This list can not be too long lest it looks like you’re just giving it away.

• Immediate family members:  father, brothers, non-creepy uncles, and most cousins… in-laws on a case by case basis.
• Childhood friends: Hey if they’ve seen you cry because you dropped your sno-cone at 7, there’s really not that much else you need to hide from them.
• Other good friends you haven’t seen in at least six months:  Six months is long enough to actually be glad to see someone again.  The six month rule can be waived for any of the reasons below.
• Someone you just won a major sporting event with:  The window of opportunity for this closes within one hour of the end of the event… meaning you can’t say a week later, “Hey, remember us winning that horseshoes tournament last week?  That was great… let’s hug.” – Uh, no.
• Someone who just saved your life or at least from major bodily injury:  If they put their neck on the line for you, the least you can do is hug it.
• Someone you won’t see for at least the next six months:  Because you don’t have to look them in the eye for a half-year, then they can “look forward” to hugging you again when they get back.

How to hug:

This is crucial.  In my observation there are two, maybe three, formats that are generally accepted.

1. The “Basic Two-Armed” Hug:
   This is more than just wrapping your arms around the other.  Your arm position is key.  Both of your arms can not be above or below both of the other’s arms – even if one of you is considerably shorter than the other.  One arm must be over the other’s shoulder and the other be under.  The time spent in the hug is critical… too short and you may seem insincere, too long and… well, you know… Then give each other two to three manly slaps on the back and release.  This is also a good way to pace your hug.  So it would go like this… hug, 1-2-3 slaps, release.  No muss, no fuss.  Also, never, I repeat never, rub.  That’s just creepy and will make you seem like you were just released from a 5-year stint in prison or something.
   
2. The “Handshake Pull-In” Hug:
   This is the hug where it starts out as a very manly handshake, but then one or both pulls on the shaking hand and draws the other into a half-hug.  The most important part of this is that each guy’s handshaking hand must remain clasped and about mid-torso high throughout the hug while the free hand (usually left) wraps around the other’s back.  During this time it is imperative that you stop shaking hands or it may accidentally feel like you’re rubbing your hand against the other’s chest, which is a no-no.  The stationary clasped hands in front also serve as a barrier so that your bodies aren’t touching as much, which is always a plus.  As with the basic hug, the amount of time spent in the hug is critical.  It should be, at most, the same amount of time spent shaking hands, not a millisecond more.  Within the last 5-10 years this has become the man-hug of choice.
   
3. The “Handshake Shoulder Bump” Hug:
   This is a variation on the “Handshake Pull-In” Hug and seems to be favored by African-american males.  The beginning is identical to HPI hug, but instead of pulling in for an actual arm hug, you simply bump your right shoulders.  This alleviates the problem of timing the length of the hug and what to do with the other arm.  Careful not to bump too hard as a shoulder injury is the last thing you want as a result of a greeting.  This pseudo-hug, because of its casualness, can actually be used as a regular greeting, and the guidelines of “who” to hug, above, can be relaxed.

Granted, these are just basic guidelines (and if you haven’t figured out by now, very tongue-in-cheek), so feel free to modify to suit your hugging needs.