Office Survivor

I used to watch shows like “Survivorman” and “Man vs. Wild” on the Discovery Channel and thought… “when am I ever going to need any of this information?”  I mean, I’m sure the frozen tundra of northern Canada is nice, but I don’t think I’d vacation there… much less have my dog sled team get lost there.  Yes, I now know that eating only rabbit as sustenance is not ideal because of the low fat content, but I think I’d die before being able to trap a rabbit in the first place.

So as I was rooting through the refrigerator at work for something to eat (that fell under the three-day-nobody-claimed-it-so-I-can-eat-it rule), I wondered how long I could survive on office refrigerator food if I was trapped there because of some natural disaster or something.  I think I could last a while.

Here are the current contents of our office refrigerator:

• 3 slices of pizza from two days ago
• 1/4 of a sliced fruit tray from a “going away” party
• a half jar of sweet gherkins and a half jar of dill pickles
• a 1/3-full tub of cream cheese
• an unopened package of Oscar Mayer smoked ham
• about a serving of macaroni salad
• something that looks like tuna casserole
• 8 Dannon Light and Fit single-servings of yogurt
• a Marie Calender’s Beef and Broccoli microwave dinner
• a year-old tub of “I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter” (and considering how old it is, I bet it probably is more believable that is not actually butter anymore)
• Several bottles of mayo with varying expiration dates
• a gallon ziploc baggie of rosemary… or at least I think it’s rosemary…
• 3 different types of mustard
• an almost-full bottle of ketchup
• 2 jugs of fat-free Coffeemate creamer
• several bottles of a variety of salad dressings
• 2 cans of Red Bull
• 8 cans of Slim Fast
• a box of frozen fish sticks that I think belongs to someone who doesn’t work here anymore
• a container of humus that has grown legs and is mating with a container of well-aged cottage cheese.
• and a pear that has been there for months that I’ve been watching slowly change shape.

Plus I’m sure if I were to go through my co-workers’ drawers I’d find a variety of snacks and things that their spouses won’t normally let them eat.

I’d definitely start with the things that would go bad first (that’s not already bad), because I don’t know how long I’ll be stuck there.  I’d probably save the microwave dinner for a special occasion like the birthday of my created-out-of-dementia office buddy, Mr Swingline. 

I’d eat the pickles last because, well, they’re pickles and were invented to last a long time… plus I hate pickles.  I think I’d be hating life once I started eating the condiments for survival… but at least with these drip-free bottles I could just squirt it into my mouth.

I could probably even find use for the bad food as bait to trap various rodents.  Which brings up the issue of whether rat would be better prepared in the microwave or the toaster-oven… my bet would be the toaster-oven.

All in all, I think I could last about a week or two if I rationed my food well.  I could use the Slim Fast to make me feel full, not to lose weight.  And I’d save the Red Bull for emergencies where I need a burst of energy… like if I need to make a bunch of copies or faxes or something.

So to all those out there who complain about how no one cleans out the office fridge… someday you might be glad that your officemate never took that half-eaten Subway footlong home.

How long do you think you could survive on your co-workers’ leftovers?