A Woman’s Worth?

(warning: very long and very preachy… you have been warned)

Hmmm… considering a majority of my readers are female, I don’t know if I’m going to offend anyone with what I’m going to write.  In a world where there is a terrible double standard about who needs to be politically correct about certain issues and who does not need to be, I often feel that I have to second guess about things I say.  But also as I get older, I’m finding out that I really don’t care about what people think of me as much as I used to.  Especially when those issues cross lines of faith, I tend to not want to back down – even if it means offending a few people.  I definitely do not think that Christians should think as the world does in what is valuable and “right” and what is not.  But because we are bombarded with worldly messages about what we should think, it’s hard to seperate our sense of fairness from the world’s.  This is why I can not stand it when people like Oprah Winfrey try to water-down the gospel to mix it in with their own personal views on life… to make it more palatable.

There has been this e-mail going around that illustrates this practice, in my opinion.  It is a description of a conversation between a man and a woman about what she is looking for in a man (well, actually, the guy only gets in about 14 words, so I don’t know if it qualifies as a conversation).  There are actually many good points, but when I read it, the tone and final message was tainted because of a uniquely American flavor of “loving oneself” at the expense of Christ-like love.  I feel that it took some bits of truth and mixed it in with somewhat heretical statements.  I feel compelled, therefore, to speak up…  I tried to research the origins of it, but I can not find the name of the person who wrote it.  What I did find was that it was featured in a lot of African American and South Asian sites.

To get the full effect of it, I think it should be read in its entirety first before reading my editorial response.  It’s entitled “A Woman’s Worth”

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question “What kind of man are you looking for?”

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking “Do you really want to know?” Reluctantly, he said “Yes.”

She began to expound…

“As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can’t do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household with out the help of any man…or woman for that matter.

I am in the position to ask “What can you bring to the table?” The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated “I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life.” He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said “I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple minded man.

I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don’t need to be unequally yoked…believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don’t need a financial burden.

I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I am looking for someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive…he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself.”

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look o­n his face. He said “You are asking a lot.” She replied “I’m worth a lot.”

-Author Unknown

I understand what the author is trying to say.  I’ve seen too many occassions when a faithful Christian woman (or man for that matter) compromises her standards because she may not feel that she deserves anyone better.  OR she feels that she can change him to be the ideal man if only she loves him enough.  The truth is, yes, this woman, as well as all the other sisters out there, is worth a lot… more than she may even realize herself.  But this worth does not come from any merit of her own.  Her worth comes from who her Lord is and what He gave for us.  I know the passage doesn’t explicitly say this, but the tone is one more of self-love.  So here, then, is specifically what I have problems with in this passage.

“As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can’t do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household with out the help of any man…or woman for that matter.

When is Christian marriage ever about what the other person can do for you?  If she gets married because she can get more out of life or what she can get out of it, what happens when the man becomes less useful?

I am in the position to ask “What can you bring to the table?” The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought…

“What can you bring to the table”?!?  This is not a business proposition.  I especially like how she can read minds too.

 and stated “I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life.”

We are not called to strive for perfection.  We are called to be holy.  There is a big difference.  Perfection connotes personal edification and self-gratification.  True holiness is always directed toward God.

I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don’t need to be unequally yoked…believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I know where she’s coming from with this, and I agree mostly.  The man should, in knowing his spiritual responsibility, never be complacent in his spiritual growth.  A lot is riding on it – for his family’s sake.  But the REASON is not so that he can live up to HER standard.  The reason is because he is called to do so by God.  And, of course I completely agree with the statement about believers and unbelievers, even though this does not negate anecdotal evidence of individuals coming to a saving knowledge of Christ through their spouses.

I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don’t need a financial burden.

Nowhere does it say that financial stability equates to a successful marriage.  Now, financial struggle is often the downfall of many marriages, but it’s not because of the lack of money.  It’s the importance placed on money in the relationship.  Honestly, it’s more about their attitude about money… regardless if they have a little or a lot.

I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman but strong enough to keep me grounded.

Ah, yes, the proverbial delicate balancing act we men must adhere to nowadays… this could be the subject of an entirely seperate article, so I will save it for the sake of brevity (sic) and to keep focus.

I am looking for someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive…he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself.”

THIS.  This is what I have a major beef with.  This is taking what seems to be a biblical concept and totally distorting it to fit into a convenient self-serving package.  Nowhere in the bible does it put worthiness as a condition for submission.  I think it’s a tragedy that the term “submission” has been turned into a four-letter word.  There is no lack of dignity in submission.  To submit is to voluntarily yield to another.  Most people view submission as an act of weakness, but I contend that one must be quite strong and assured to voluntarily yield to another.  And before you ladies assume that I’m just saying this as it applies to women, I want to make clear that I am actually referring to this passage…

always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  – Ephesians 5:20-21

It doesn’t say, “Submit to one another… but only when they are worthy of your submission.”  It says “out of reverence for Christ.”  None of us is worthy.  Again, our worth comes only from the cross.  So in a strange way, perhaps we are worthy… not because of anything we did, but because of Christ.  And since Christ is the reason we submit, both the ultimate object and motivation for submission is the same thing.  People are just the avenue for it.

I think what the author of this passage was going for was to point out the man’s responsibilty, which is fair, but she totally missed the boat on the reasons.  She wants to say that men are sorely lacking in living up to what they are called to be as well.  I agree.  We suck at it.  Loving our wives as Christ loved the church is a herculean task (well, not that I have a wife).  But the two commands are not tied together.  It does not say “Husbands love your wives, but only if she submits to you” nor does it say “Wives submit to your husbands, but only if he loves you as Christ loved the church.”

So when she says, “I have no problem being submissive,” she’s lying.  She has a problem with it if she does not deem him worthy.  He will never be… not on his own merit.

When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look o­n his face. He said “You are asking a lot.” She replied “I’m worth a lot.”

This is true.  She is worth a lot.  Christ’s precious blood had to be spilled to redeem her.  But do not confuse self-pride for glorying in the cross.

-Author Unknown

In conclusion, I would like to say that I know that many women found encouragement in the original message.  And I’m sure that a majority of the women out there saw it for what it was intended… a call to not compromise.  But if they’re depending on a love of themselves to motivate them to not compromise, their confidence is poorly placed.  Do not compromise because you are a child of God, not because you deserve it.  I’m pretty sure we do not want what we actually deserve.

Post Script:  In my research on this I ran across, what I think, is a more biblical article about this subject, which I think is much better:  A Woman’s Worth