Up-deu-ryuh!

When I was a kid, that word would strike the fear of God in my heart the second I heard it.  In Korean it means “bend over” in the context of getting ready for a spanking.  I think the anticipation of the spanking and the feeling that I was being punished were much worse than the spanking itself.  One time when I knew that I was going to get it when my father came home that night, I went to my room and put on several pairs of underwear and my thickest jeans.  Then on top of that I put handfulls of pennies from the penny jar into my back pockets.  I figured it would work like armor or something.  When my father came home after hearing what I had done from my mom, he summoned me and told me to assume “the position.”  I did so, having full faith in my body armor.  He pulled back his hand and slapped my rear-end, but instead of the normal “smack” sound he heard a muffled “thud’ followed by some jingling.  I didn’t look, but I think he was desperately trying to hold in his laughter because I could feel his stomach shaking a little.  The spanking stopped there… I think, in retrospect, that it was because it’s hard to discipline your child while giggling.

Recently, as I was flipping through the channels, I came across this show called “Nanny 9-1-1.”  The premise of the show is that they showcase a disfunctional family with unruly children.  Then they bring in a nanny for a couple of weeks to set things straight.  At first I was thinking… c’mon… how bad can these kids be?

Oh… my… goodness… the kids they had on the show were completely out of control.  I think a monkey cage filled with shelves of bone china and sledge hammers would have had less chaos. 

I’m going to say this in this public forum so that you will not be held accountable for your actions…  IF I EVER have kids who turn out like the ones they showed, I give whoever is reading this full permission to SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD because I will be a complete disgrace to society as a parent.  You will probably be doing me a favor anyway.

The kids (about 6 and 3 in age) were throwing anything not nailed down onto the floor…. hitting one another – including mom and dad.    They were also calling their parents names which had to be bleeped out…   They challenged their parents’ authority at every opportunity… they were basically in control of the house.  The mother basically did not put her foot down about anything and only lectured the father when he wanted to hold fast to his ground with the kids.  But most of the time the father was nowhere to be seen.  The mother would sleep in the oldest boy’s room because he couldn’t go to sleep without her… she did this for 5 YEARS.  There was even a spare bed in his room for her.  When the nanny kept urging her to grow a spine, she responded with… “but don’t they need nurturing too?” and would start bawling.  I wanted to smack her around and tell her to get a grip.

Kids not only need discipline… they WANT discipline.  They want to know how far is too far or what their code of conduct should be.  Whenever I see a parent saying they want to “be their child’s best friend” I want to heave a little.  Yes, it’s good to be there for them, but they have best friends.  What they need is a parent.  Jerry Springer’s show has plenty of parents who are their kid’s best friends.  They usually say so as they’re dodging whatever furniture item is being hurled at their head by their lovely child.

You know those kids in the supermarkets who are throwing a fit at the checkout line because they didn’t get their favorite cereal?  With my kids, that will happen exactly once, if at all.  Because they’ll know that the second time they try to do it, it might be their exit out of this world… then they’ll be in heaven… where they can have whatever cereal they want.  Or if they call an adult a curse word, the next time anyone hears anything they have to say their voice will probably have changed through puberty.

So to sum up…

– Hard to spank while laughing…
– Bratty kids – SHOOT ME…
– Kids want discipline…
– Cereal good in heaven..

Later.

P.S.  I know it seems I’ve been posting a lot of rant-style entries lately.  Don’t ask me why.  I don’t know.  I guess I just have to vent every once in a while.